


the rain before the rainbow

by dianna44



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Insecurity, Insomnia, Introspection, Lack of Communication, M/M, Post-Canon, Sick Makkachin, This is sad but please remember the "happy ending" tag, Viktuuri Big Bang 2017, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-14 07:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11203437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianna44/pseuds/dianna44
Summary: Yuuri knows he's being ridiculous. He should be excited, and he is, he most definitely is, but his anxiety is louder louder louder, and marrying Victor... marrying Victor just doesn't seem so appealing anymore.Russian Translation





	the rain before the rainbow

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [дождь перед радугой](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11788446) by [helenbeauty01](https://archiveofourown.org/users/helenbeauty01/pseuds/helenbeauty01)



> I'm so excited to finally post this!!!!!
> 
> Anyway, I JUST WANT TO THANK BEE FOR BEING SO AMAZING AND SUPPORTIVE AND FOR PROVIDING WONDERFUL ART FOR ME TO WRITE THIS STORY!!!!
> 
> Check out her tumblr [here](http://megsbee.tumblr.com/)  
> and her art for this fic here [here](http://megsbee.tumblr.com/post/162045514663/i-want-to-thank-iwannapandanamedchubs-for-putting)  
> (it's also in the fic!!!)
> 
> Also, a big shout-out to my beta, Lillian. I love you~
> 
> Annnd, ANOTHER shout-out to the lovely and wonderful moderator of this big bang as well as all the lovely volunteers! Without you, none of this would have happened! We appreciate you so much! <3
> 
> And to the readers, please read the tags! This story does indeed have a happy ending, but it is very sad! 
> 
> Well, I hope you like it! xxxx

 

His hands are clammy, and Yuuri lets out a strained breath. He doesn’t know where he is, but it’s bright, so bright, and Victor isn’t anywhere to be seen.

“Victor?” he calls out, taking a few steps forward, but nothing in the scenery changes, and that’s because there is nothing in the scenery, it’s just bright, bright, bright. “Victor?” he tries again.

He walks for what seems like forever, but nothing around him is changing, and his chest feels like it’s collapsing in on itself. Where is Victor? Where is Victor where is he where is he where _is_ he?

Yuuri can’t help but keep walking. He has nowhere else to go, nothing else to do except to wander and wonder. Time presses on, and Yuuri eventually stops walking, and begins running.

“Victor!” he calls again. Nothing, there’s nothing, there’s always nothing, and Victor’s warmth is escaping from him. He can’t find him, he can’t find him, is it because he left him? Where is he? Where is Victor, and where is Yuuri? Looking around again, he slowly stops running, and eventually, he’s stopped, short of breath, and his thoughts have stopped being calm, and have begun screaming at him.

“Victor?” he tries once more, but once again, there’s absolutely nothing, and Yuuri finally collapses, and he cries, and cries, and—

Victor is yelling at him, and suddenly, Yuuri is awake.  

“Yuuri!” Victor exclaims again, and Yuuri is shaking. Their bedroom blurs into focus, and Yuuri realizes he’s panting. Victor’s a warm heat by his side, and Yuuri turns his head to face him.

“Victor,” he says, and he’s so relieved, he’s here, he’s here, he hasn’t left him.

“Yuuri?” Victor asks. “Did you have a nightmare?”

And Yuuri is so _tired_ , and _scared_ , and he just sends a relieved smile toward Victor, the “don’t worry” smile, the “I don’t want to talk about it but I’m fine” smile, the smile that Victor has commented on many times, the one he doesn’t like. Victor frowns at him.

“Yuuri?” Victor tries again. Yuuri just shakes his head, and leans over, placing his head on Victor’s chest. He can hear his breaths sync up with Victor’s. He can hear Victor’s heart beating, steadily and surely, and he’s still _here_.

“I’m okay,” Yuuri says. “Let’s go back to sleep.”

It almost looks as if Victor will try again, but Yuuri shushes him, and closing his eyes, falls asleep once again.

He doesn’t dream at all.

 

 

Yuuri can’t sleep. He’s noticed that over the past couple of weeks, days especially, he’s had trouble sleeping. Usually, he just listens to Victor’s slow breaths for a few hours before his mind finally lets himself go to sleep, but then he wakes up shortly after, and he’s just so unbearably _tired_. Victor’s noticed a few times. Simple remarks like, “ _You look tired, Yuuri_ ” or “ _Did you get enough sleep last night?”_

But Yuuri doesn’t want to trouble him. He’s already so much of a trouble with his indecisiveness about the date of their wedding. He’s already so much of a trouble with his anxiety and his inability to do simple tasks sometimes. And Victor always says that _it’s okay_ , says that _everything will be fine_ , says how he _loves him so dearly_ , and Yuuri just doesn’t want to trouble him.

Yuuri glances at the clock, noting he’s to be up in six hours to go to practice. But Yuuri can’t do it. He closes his eyes, Victor’s breathing a cacophony of freezing warmth, and Yuuri _can’t do it_.

He opens his eyes again, sighing softly, and then slowly unravels himself from underneath Victor’s loosely sprawled arm to sit up. He places his feet on the ground, and it’s such a cool contrast between the warmth of the bed. Yuuri purses his lips, but eventually decides against just sitting there for hours.

Standing up, he quickly glances back at Victor, who hasn’t moved an inch in his sleep.

 _You’re breathtaking_ , Yuuri thinks, but then that’s so much that’s so much he’s getting _married_ to this man he needs to _run._

He leaves the room more loudly than he would have liked to, but Victor still doesn’t wake so Yuuri lets himself be unconcerned about it all. Victor’s house is fairly large, but not so ostentatiously that Yuuri wouldn’t want to live there.

His walk down the stairs is silent, and as Yuuri gets closer to the first floor, he begins to hear the pattering of rain coming from outside.

How did he not realize it was raining? How could he not hear it from Victor’s room? How did it escape his notice?

He heads toward the porch when he reaches the bottom. The porch is covered overhead so Yuuri won’t get wet if he were to go outside. His heart is beating so loudly though, and when Yuuri grabs hold of the handle, he doesn’t let go.

(Why would Victor want to marry him?)

The rain isn’t accompanied by any kind of thunder or lightening as far as Yuuri can tell, and he’s still holding onto the door handle.

(Victor’s only going to get tired of him.)

Finally, he opens the door, a gust of cold rain immediately hitting him. It feels good. It feels deserved. It’s comforting, but Yuuri doesn’t know if it should be.

(Victor’s sleeping upstairs, and he’s down here, outside and alone. It’s his own fault. Why can’t he just go to sleep?)

Yuuri doesn’t move after he closes the door behind him. He just watches.

Watches the rain come down, watches the grass get wet, watches the drops hitting the pool, watches Makkachin’s dog toys soak under the sky.

(Victor will realize that he’s not worth loving eventually.)

Yuuri wants to know what the rain feels like. He wants to know if it feels like anything he’s feeling right now.

(He’ll leave him eventually. He will. He will. He’ll leave Yuuri behind, and Yuuri won’t know what to do with himself.)

He walks a few steps forward.

(He’ll leave him.)

He thrusts his right arm forward, out from under the shelter of the porch cover, and Yuuri feels the rain against his skin. It’s cold, but it doesn’t sting. It doesn’t hurt. It isn’t what Yuuri thought it’d feel like. His engagement ring doesn’t shine back at him.

(Victor will only regret marrying him.)

He pulls his hand back, and he’s so overwhelmingly _sad_ about it, sad that the rain wasn’t enough for… for what? What was he expecting? What was he _expecting_?

(Victor will leave him.)

He doesn’t want to be out here anymore. He turns around, and quickly rushes back inside, the door closing with the air of finality to it.

(Yuuri doesn’t want to lose Victor.)

He goes back upstairs, drying his hand on a towel he passes in the kitchen, and softly, he returns to his side of the bed.

Victor shifts in his sleep, bringing Yuuri closer to him, and Yuuri just closes his eyes, trying to remember that right now, right now at this very moment, Victor still loves him.

(But Yuuri can’t stop thinking about when that’ll eventually stop being true.)

 

 

Yuuri’s inability to fall asleep comes to a resounding conclusion four days after having only slept a total of three hours. He’s in the kitchen when it happens. Victor is cooking, and Yuuri had just left the restroom, confused as to why he was seeing shapes around him.

“A bright light,” he whispers suddenly, and Victor looks at him curiously.

“Yuuri?” he asks.

“Do you see those spots?” Yuuri asks, looking around dazedly. Victor frowns at him, his entire demeanor changing.

“Yuuri?” he asks again, having already crossed the kitchen’s floor to situate himself right in front of his fiancé.

Yuuri frowns at Victor. Something isn’t right, and Yuuri is so tired so tired so tired, but it’s breakfast time, and Yuuri is afraid his nightmares will be so vivid if he goes to sleep. Victor is saying something, worry shifting over him until it’s taken over his entire being. Victor is worried about him now, but won’t be in the future. He won’t care when he doesn’t love him anymore. He won’t care he won’t care he won’t care about Yuuri anymore.

(How absolutely depressing. Yuuri is so scared.)

“You don’t see them?” he asks again, noticing the bright spot of light behind Victor’s head getting increasingly larger.

“Yuuri! What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

And it comes to the resounding conclusion with a resounding statement.

“You won’t always love me, Victor.”

And then Yuuri falls asleep.

 

 

The routine keeps at it for nights and nights and weeks and weeks and it’s been a month, hasn’t it? Yuuri is sent home a few times by Yakov, and Victor has put it upon himself to try to stay awake with Yuuri. He’s mentioned seeing a therapist several times, or taking sleeping medicine, or anything else that could help, but Yuuri doesn’t think any of that sounds right.

(A part of him thinks he deserves it. He deserves to feel like this.)

Victor falls asleep easily, especially when Yuuri is by his side, and it’s not like Yuuri wants to ever wake him up again when he does fall asleep thirty minutes after vowing to stay awake with Yuuri. He can’t do that to him. He doesn’t want to do that to him.

(Maybe he should sleep in a different room. That way, he doesn’t have to bother Victor at all.)

Yuuri is so so tired, and he’s worried, worried that this will never stop, worried that nobody will ever ask the right questions, but so worried that people _will._

Yuuri doesn’t leave the room, but he stays awake for five and a half more hours and dreams about dreaming.

 

Yuuri feels their relationship slowly breaking. Victor is getting tired of him, he knows he is. The bags under Victor’s eyes are almost as noticeable as Yuuri’s, and Victor keeps acting like he’s worried about Yuuri, but Yuuri knows that it’s just an echo of what their relationship used to be.

Victor is going to leave him soon, and Yuuri’s heart constricts when he realizes this. They’re eating lunch at home, Victor having cooked up a broth. Victor isn’t looking at him. He’s looking at the sliding glass door so that he can see the world, see a world that he’s not with Yuuri.

Maybe Yuuri should say something about it. He yawns instead, and numbly eats another bite.

“Do you want to go on a date tonight, Yuuri?” Victor suddenly asks, catching Yuuri’s eye. Yuuri thinks he’s doing an impressive job of pretending to still be in love with him.

“Why?” Yuuri asks. He grimaces after he does, and Victor looks like he’s in pain.

“I want to. I… I haven’t been on a date with you in a while. I’m just… could we do that?” he asks again, and Yuuri feels like he’s being so mean. But this is what Victor is going to want eventually. Eventually, Victor is going to get so so tired of him, and Yuuri will just be left with nothing.

He wants to hold onto Victor. He wants so badly to keep him near, but it’s hard to hold onto somebody who doesn’t want to hold onto you.

“Yeah, of course,” Yuuri smiles at him.

(When will be the last time Victor smiles back at him the way he is now?)

 

They both dress up that night. Victor is planning on taking him to one of their favorite restaurants, and Yuuri blushes when he remembers what they did the night of their last date.

(It’s been so long though. So long since they’ve gone out together.)

As Yuuri fixes up his hair next to Victor, he catches sight of the ring on his finger and stills. Victor notices. He always notices.

“Yuuri? What’s wrong?”

Yuuri can’t breathe he can’t breathe he’s so in love with this man but this man is going to leave him this man is going to leave him because he is worth nothing and hasn’t he seen all the trophies Victor has, all the followers he has online, all the fans he has, all the friends he has, all the people that care about him hasn’t he seen any of that hasn’t he realized yet that he’s worth nothing compared to Victor?

(He can’t let Victor marry him. He can’t go through that.)

He swallows, and takes a step back. Victor follows him with his gaze, his beautiful blue eyes shining with worry.

“Can we push it back?” he asks, words heavy in his throat.

“What?” Victor asks.

Yuuri clears his throat. “The wedding. Can we… push it back?”

Victor’s eyes widen, and Yuuri sees hurt flicker across his expression.

(Yuuri doesn’t deserve Victor. How could he be doing this to him? How is Yuuri so selfish? And Yuuri knows it’s best to let him go now, but he _can’t_. He doesn’t want to. He can’t just do that. He can’t do that. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to. Please, please please please please don’t make him do that. Not yet. Not just yet. Let him stall their inevitable end. Let him wake up each morning to Victor being beside him. Let him eat Victor’s food and let him cook for Victor. Let him love Victor and be with Victor just a little longer. Please please please please please please.)

“Okay,” Victor finally responds.

Yuuri’s heart is _screaming_.

“Yeah?” Yuuri asks. He’s surprised, and he tries to push down the hurt he feels from Victor not asking more about it. Why isn’t Victor mad at him?

“If you want to, Yuuri, then… then, okay. But, is everything okay?”

“I just want to push it back some more,” Yuuri responds. It’s a weak excuse, not even really an excuse, and Victor lets out a strained breath. He looks so sad. So worried. So confused, but Victor just nods again.

“Of course, Yuuri.”

Yuuri looks down at that ground, avoiding Victor’s gaze. He’s doing this for Victor, he tells himself. He’s doing this all for him, he repeats and repeats.

 _I don’t matter_ , he thinks.

But he’s so selfish. And he knows that Victor will be gone soon so Yuuri just wants to grip him tighter and tighter.

 _Not yet. Not yet not yet not yet not yet, please_.

And Victor is walking away into a different room. Yuuri watches him go, but doesn’t follow him.

He looks back in the mirror, the ring on his finger shining mockingly.

When he eventually leaves the room, he finds Victor, asleep on their bed, and Yuuri wants to cry.

(This is for the better.)

Yuuri sits on the bed and looks down at Victor.

(This is for the better.)

Yuuri calls and cancels the reservation they had.

(This is for the better.

 

 

 

  

         It still hurts so so much.)

 

 

A week passes, and Victor is outside playing with Makkachin. Yuuri watches him, smiling softly at the picture. He loves him so so so much. He can’t imagine a world where he doesn’t love him. Victor is laughing happily as he throws the ball, watching happily as Makkachin runs to get it, and then brings it back to him, tail wagging excitedly.

And Yuuri feels sad.

 _He should love someone better than me_ , he thinks, the smile slipping off his face.

(He loves him so much, and he knows, he _knows_ that Victor loves him back, knows he’s being absolutely ridiculous about it all, knows that he deserves to be happy, knows that it’s just his insecurities speaking too loudly, but Yuuri but Yuuri but Yuuri but Yuuri doesn’t _believe_ it, doesn’t _feel_ it, and that hurts more than anything logical or true.)

Yuuri almost wants to turn away completely. He wants to turn around and pretend he never smiled at Victor being cute with his dog.

(Their dog.)

 _Break up with him then_ , a snide voice comments in his head. Yuuri shakes his head. _No no no please anything but that._

(He’s being so selfish.)

When Makkachin catches sight of him, he gives a soft bark and runs over to him, and Yuuri can’t help but smile, can’t help but love Victor, love Makkachin, love his life with his fiancé so much. Yuuri can’t help it, and that’s so annoying. He’s being so selfish.

(It’s all his fault.)

“Hey,” Victor says, coming over and kissing him. Yuuri kisses back. He loves this man he loves this man he loves this man. “I missed you,” Victor says.

Yuuri laughs. He can’t help but laugh. He can’t help the love he has for this man. He just knows that Victor will leave him eventually. He knows that he’ll be so hurt in the end.

(But it seems so worth it when they have moments like these.)

“I was in the house,” Yuuri laughs.

“I still missed you,” says Victor.

“I love you,” Yuuri finds himself saying. It’s so true too. So absolutely true. Nothing could be truer than that.

Victor grins at him, pecking his lips again. “Love you too,” he says.

Makkachin is running around them in circles, and Yuuri leans down to briefly pet through his soft fur.

They play with Makkachin for a while, and Yuuri forgets about everything else for those moments, those seconds, but the hurt is still lodged so deep in his mind, in his chest, in his heart.

(He ignores it though.

He’s good at ignoring it.)

 

 

“I thought you two were having a spring wedding?” Mila asks, and Yuuri freezes. They’re at practice for the first time in ages, but Yuuri supposes Victor texted Mila already. Victor laughs awkwardly. “We pushed it back,” Victor says.

“Why?” Yuri asks. “You two are so in love with each other and you’re basically already married so why? Go be disgusting on a honeymoon so I don’t have to see you.”

“We just pushed it back,” Victor says again, glancing worriedly at Yuuri, who still hasn’t moved or said a word. Yuuri knows he doesn’t know what to tell them, and Yuuri wishes that _he_ knew what to tell them, but he just… doesn’t. He doesn’t know what to say so why would he even try?

Victor looks a little disappointed when he realizes Yuuri isn’t going to say anything, and he looks back at Mila and Yuri. Perhaps he was hoping that maybe Yuuri would have said the real reason, but Yuuri is just there, unable to speak, and everything just comes crashing down on him.

He’s marrying Victor soon he’s marrying Victor soon he’s marrying Victor soon, and Victor will make the biggest mistake of his life doing it. Yuuri swallows, and Victor just gives another awkward laugh. Mila and Yuri look confused, look like they’re both on the verge of saying something, of asking what’s going on, of calling Yuuri out, but then Yakov is shouting at them. “What do you think you’re doing over there gossiping?!” he exclaims. “Skate!”

So, they all go back to practicing instead of gossiping, and Yuuri feels like the entire world is closing in on him.

 

 

“So, when _would_ you like to get married, Yuuri?” Victor suddenly asks, voice so soft and uncertain that Yuuri almost isn’t sure he heard him correctly. Yuuri freezes, skates still in hand. It’s been two months since they talked about it, but Yuuri isn’t ready isn’t ready he just isn’t ready.

(He’s such a bad person. Why won’t Victor break up with him already? He’s going to anyway… why is he dragging it out?)

Victor has finished packing up his skates, and Yuuri still hasn’t responded.

“I don’t know. Soon,” Yuuri replies.

Victor frowns sadly, biting his lip. He looks down, and Yuuri is _hurting him_ oh fuck he’s hurting him so much.

( _Leave me, Victor! Leave me behind! You deserve better! See! I’m making you miserable! I don’t deserve you! Leave me behind leave me behind LEAVE ME BEHIND!_ )

“How soon is soon?” he asks, looking back up, expression obviously pained. “Yuuri… is everything okay? Please, you can tell me. You can tell me anything. I love you so much.”

Yuuri pauses. “Yeah. I love you too.”

(He does. Oh, how he does.)

Victor almost doesn’t respond, it seems, but eventually, he nods, clears his throat, and breathes out, “Yeah, okay.”

And when they get home, Yuuri finds Makkachin on their couch, and falls asleep, holding Makkachin close to him and trying to forget that everything he once dreamed about has turned into nightmares.

(His dreams were far-fetched anyway.)

 

 

Victor starts to act a little moody around Yuuri now, and Yuuri bites his lip bites his lip bites his lip bites his lip bites his lip and simply thinks, _Yuuri, you’re the worst you’re the worst you’re the worst_ , and he never says anything at all.

(He’s waiting for the end of what they are together, and every day his heart breaks and breaks and breaks.)

 

 

Makkachin throws up one day, and then the next day, and then he’s not eating as much as he usually is, and Yuuri and Victor find themselves holding hands worrying about what they can do.

“We should take him to the vet,” Yuuri says, and Victor nods.

“I agree. But when? Right now? We can’t. We have to go out for those interviews. And we’re busy all week, and you’re not getting enough sleep as is, Yuuri,” Victor insists.

Yuuri shakes his head. “We need to take him now. He’s really sick, Vitya.”

Victor stills a bit when Yuuri says that to him, and Yuuri squeezes his hand. Victor nods.

“Okay. I’ll hire somebody to take him, and we’ll have them communicate to the vet for us.”

Yuuri nods. “I love you,” he says. Fuck, he does he does he loves him so much how is he supposed to let Victor leave him behind?

Victor smiles softly at him, leaning in and kissing him gently.

(Yuuri almost forgets all his insecurities in that moment. In that moment, it’s just him and Victor. It’s just everything they’ve been through together coming together to make what they have right now at this very moment _together_. And Yuuri lets himself kiss him back, lets Victor lean over him, lets Victor bite softly at his bottom lip, lets Victor _adore_ him. He wants to get married to this man he really really does. He wants to marry Victor so badly, so much. He wants to love Victor forever because he knows he is, knows he can, knows he will. He wants Victor to always want him like the way that Yuuri wants him always.)

He wants so much, and when Yuuri stops kissing back, it’s because his heart seems to have stopped beating, and it’s because every insecurity that Yuuri has, that Yuuri knows will happen washes down over him.

Victor looks confused, looks hurt, and Yuuri is the reason for that. He’s the reason for all of Victor’s pain. He’s the reason that Victor will eventually leave him. It’s bound to happen. It’s bound to happen. It’s bound to happen.

So Yuuri turns away.

And his heart breaking is all he can hear.

“We should call someone to take Makkachin,” he hears himself saying. Victor leans over him for a few seconds more, frowning sadly, but eventually, he nods.

“Yes. You’re right,” he says, leaning back. He stands up, looking away from Yuuri. “I’ll do that now,” he adds, tone flat.

And he leaves.

Yuuri tries his best not to cry, and when he fails, oh fuck, when he fails, he flees to the second floor, somewhere away from Victor, somewhere where Victor won’t ask, won’t pry, won’t get hurt _again_ because of Yuuri.

Victor comes up eventually.

Yuuri has already stopped crying.

“Ready for the interview?” he asks.

Victor simply nods.

(It hurts that he didn’t notice. But then again, Yuuri did his best just so he _wouldn’t_ notice.

It still hurts.

He’s being pathetic.)

 

 

People keep asking about them. They keep asking about when their wedding will be, when they’ll go on their honeymoon, where they’re going for their honeymoon, who’s all coming to the wedding, and so much it’s all so much why do they have to keep asking so much?

Even Chris made a tweet about it a week ago. Just a joke. Just a dumb “Forever waiting for the day Victor and Yuuri invite me to their wedding” joke, but it was enough to spur people on, enough for people to start asking questions.

Yuuri can’t go on his social media without that question being thrown at him somewhere, and Victor starts to become noticeably sadder and sadder. Phichit texts him one day asking, _hey btw when IS your wedding?_ and Yuuri doesn’t want to go anywhere, doesn’t want to say anything, doesn’t even know what he can say.

He just replies with a vague emoji, and hopes that his heart stops beating so loudly.

Victor is being endlessly kind to him. Yuuri doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve him, especially when he’s being like this.

And Makkachin still isn’t doing the best. Victor called someone to take him to the vet last week, but the person he called flaked out on them, and they’ve been so busy this week that all they can do is try to find people that they know to take Makkachin, but everybody they trust isn’t in town, and after what happened with the first person they hired, they don’t want to risk handing off Makkachin to a stranger.

It’s killing them to come home and find vomit everywhere, but this is their busiest week of the year, and they just don’t have the time. Victor took tomorrow off to take him, and Yuuri would if he could, but he promised to go to a luncheon with some old friends of his.

And Yuuri apologized and apologized for not being able to go, for not wanting to cancel on this appointment he’s had for months, and Victor would tell him that it was alright, that it wasn’t a big deal that he takes him, that he’s more than happy to take him, but Yuuri still feels so incredibly _bad_ about it.

(Victor is such a good person, such a good boyfriend and fiancé, and Yuuri knows he could be too, but Yuuri also knows that Victor will find somebody better.

Fuck.)

 

 

The vet thinks that Makkachin has canine parvovirus, and apparently it’s a big deal for dogs, and apparently it can be pretty deadly, and apparently and apparently and apparently and—

“Yuuri,” Victor says. Yuuri’s gaze snaps to him. He’s crying. He is. He didn’t even realize, and Victor looks so sad and reaches for him, hugging him immediately.

“He’ll be okay, Yuuri,” he whispers, but that’s not at all the only reason Yuuri is crying.

Yuuri is crying because they should have just taken him sooner, they shouldn’t have made so many excuses. Yuuri is crying because Yuuri has been making so many excuses, and Victor has been doing so much for him, so damn much, and Yuuri is just taking and taking and taking, but not giving. He’s not usually like this. He doesn’t usually do this, and he thinks back when he was so insecure about everything he did, about his skating and his weight and his choice in music and his relationships and his sexuality and his abilities and personality and everything fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck—

“I’d give up skating again for you to tell me what’s going on, Yuuri. I’d give up absolutely everything for you to communicate with me,” Victor gently tells him, sniffing a bit, and Yuuri realizes with horror that he’s crying too.

“I don’t want him to die,” he chokes out. _I don’t want to lose you I don’t want to lose you I don’t want to lose you I don’t want to lose you_ , he screams and screams all in his head.

Victor presses into him more, holding him closer and closer. “I don’t either. I don’t want him to die either.”

Yuuri hates it when Victor cries. He doesn’t cry very often, only cries when he’s so seriously hurt or when he sees someone he dearly loves so hurt, and Yuuri just absolutely _loathes_ seeing Victor cry. At the beginning of their relationship, Yuuri looked at Victor crying as depressingly fascinating, but seeing Victor cry now, cry after how long they’ve been together, is the _worst_.

“I’m sorry, Victor,” Yuuri sniffs, not crying as hard anymore. He holds Victor tightly, so afraid that when he lets go Victor will realize everything Yuuri is not and walk away. “I’m so sorry,” he repeats, and Victor shakes his head against him, crying devastatingly.

“Nothing is your fault, my love,” he says softly. “Nothing.”

Yuuri never says anything in response to that. He can’t. He doesn’t know what he would say that would help Victor. Maybe nothing is his fault, but Yuuri still feels it so incredibly deeply. He still feels it so deeply lodged inside of him, and when Victor says it, he just can’t believe it.

“I love you,” he says, his words never ringing truer.

Victor nods into him. “I love you too.”

Yuuri doesn’t bring up again how sorry he is.

 

 

The day after, people are still inquiring about the status of their engagement, and Makkachin is still with the vet as they need to take more tests to confirm their hypothesis. And Yuuri and Victor have shut themselves away from the world completely. Yakov completely understood, and their friends all sent their condolences, and maybe they needed this. Maybe they needed something like this to happen to give them the excuse they kept ignoring before. The excuse to talk, the excuse to be with each other, the excuse to exist as the unit they so usually are.

“I wanted him to be our ring bearer,” Victor whispers. Yuuri is running his hands through his so delicately soft hair, and he pauses for a moment.

“He’s going to be okay,” he says. It took him all night for him to convince himself of that, but he _has_ to be okay.

Victor nods against him. “I’m still scared. I’m scared about a lot, Yuuri. I’m scared that you don’t love me anymore, and that’s why you keep pushing back our wedding.”

Yuuri sucks in a breath. “I love you so much, Victor. That’s not why, I swear.”

Victor pulls back from him, frowning sadly at him. “Then why? Why can’t you tell me? Just… why?”

Yuuri bites the inner side of his right cheek and looks away. _I’m the worst I’m the worst I’m the worst I’m the worst I’m the worst I’m the absolute worst._

“I’m really sorry, V-Victor. I’m… I’m just going through something. Please, just give me time. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

(He’s being so selfish. He’s being so selfish by asking this of the man that promised to be there for him whenever things like this happened. He knows he should just tell him, but he’s afraid that Victor will lie to him, will tell him a half-truth, will simply tell him the things he wants to hear and then come to regret it later.)

Victor’s expression is one of pain. “I just don’t understand, Yuuri. I’m supposed to be here for you. I _want_ to be here for you. I want to _help_ you get through it.”

The rapid beats of Yuuri’s own heart is all he can hear. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what to say that won’t come out wrong, that won’t unintentionally break Victor’s heart more than he is already, that won’t completely destroy the pair of them.

But Victor is kind, and Victor knows him so very well. “But you don’t have to tell me. I respect your wishes, Yuuri. Even if I don’t understand. My ignorance of what’s going on doesn’t mean I shouldn’t respect you. I hope… I hope you can find it in yourself soon that you _can_ tell me.”

(Yuuri loves him so much Yuuri loves him so much. He doesn’t deserve him. He’s too kind to him. He’s too gentle, too sweet, too everything that Yuuri ever wanted, and he _terrifies_ Yuuri. Yuuri’s never felt like this for _anybody_. He’s never opened up his heart to anybody like this in the past, never let anyone else know his fears, his desires, his goals, and his dreams and nightmares, and Victor knows _all_ of it. He knows _almost_ everything about him, and he could so easily destroy him by leaving him, and Yuuri doesn’t want that to happen.

He can’t allow that to happen.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck—he doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore. He can’t remember. He can’t remember his original thought process in deciding this is how it was supposed to go between the two of them. Because no matter what he does, no matter what he says, he’s still ending up completely torn. He’s still hurting himself. He’s still hurting Victor. He’s still just as useless as he was when he first ever met Victor, first ever kissed him, first ever told him that he loved him.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.)

“Thank you,” he chokes out, burying his whole _being_ against Victor, and Victor just holds onto his shaking body. “Thank you thank you thank you.”

“Always, Yuuri. Always,” Victor whispers gently.

( _No_ , Yuuri cries. _Not always. But now, but now, but now, you’re with me and you love me, and I don’t know what I want to do with my own life anymore._ )

He doesn’t say anything else.

 

 

It’s confirmed that Makkachin has parvo, and Yuuri can’t stop wondering if he should just finally break up with Victor, break up with him before he can leave Yuuri behind (how selfish he’s being so damn selfish). The procedures to help Makkachin are expensive, and Yuuri and Victor have never felt more grateful for their wealth as they quickly pay for all of it.

Makkachin will be under the vet’s care for a few more days, and even though they promised to give Victor and Yuuri updates every three hours, they still worry, still think about their precious dog that so encompasses both of their love.

“I made you some pasta,” Victor says, handing him a bowl, breaking Yuuri from his thoughts for a moment. Yuuri smiles gratefully up at him.

“Thank you,” he says. Victor nods, sitting across from him. Yuuri eats silently for a few minutes, and Victor simply watches him, expression not changing or revealing any emotion, which is rare for Victor. Usually, he’s an open book, especially for Yuuri.

“When you stopped that day to buy our rings, I was so surprised, Yuuri,” he suddenly says. Yuuri just blinks at him, shocked. Victor simply continues. “I was surprised by how _right_ it seemed. How happy I was. I… I couldn’t remember being so happy before that moment. And it happened so quickly, but I swear I remember every damn moment.” Yuuri can’t tell if he’s breathing or not. “I’m just… I’m just trying to say to you that we’re right for each other, Yuuri. And I’ve been thinking about why you wouldn’t want to talk to me. I’ve been thinking about it _so much_ , and I have so many theories, but they all come down to your own insecurity. Your insecurity that I could never understand, but after these past couple of weeks, I understand incredibly well.” _He knows he knows he knows he knows he knows_. “I’m not going to pressure you. I promised to respect you. I do. I respect and love you so much, Yuuri, but… but I needed to theorize about this. It’s helped me. I know that you love me, but I want you to know that I love you just as much as you love me, and that feeling you feel? That feeling that says you’re always going to love me? I have the same one. I just wanted you to know.”

Yuuri purses his lips, his heart beating so loudly, and he doesn’t move a muscle. Victor stands up from the couch, gently pats his shoulder, and leaves the room.

Yuuri thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks, and his heart beats and beats and beats and beats.

 

 

The next day, Yuuri breaks.

He supposes he should have been expecting it, but when he wakes up, the sun is shining right in his face, and Victor’s arm is tightly gripping him closer to him, and Yuuri just

breaks.

The tears come out quickly, and he feels his body wracking with sobs, oh god oh god he can’t breathe he can’t breathe he can’t breathe, and Victor is waking up, he’s up, he’s saying his name, and he’s right there, he’s everywhere, why didn’t Yuuri just talk to him sooner and the words he told him yesterday are ringing through his mind, he’s such an _idiot._

“Yuuri Yuuri Yuuri, shhhh, Yuuri take a deep breath for me, please. Please, Yuuri,” Victor says, the words following one another so quickly, and Yuuri does as he says, and he’s still _crying_.

“I-I think you’re going to leave me, and I’m so scared when that does happen, I’m so scared that I’m going to love you forever, but you’re going to realize that I don’t deserve you, that you deserve better, and that you’re going to leave me behind, and I-I w-wouldn’t even blame you!”

Yuuri can tell, horrifyingly, that Victor already knew this. And he’s in so much pain, so much damn pain, and he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, how he’s supposed to love anymore because he just hates himself so very very much. “I-I don’t _deserve you, Victor_! I don’t deserve you! Why are you still with me?! Why do you still put up with me?!”

Victor is rocking him back and forth, and he’s just fucking _crying_. And crying and crying and crying and _crying_.

Victor’s whispering in his ear, voice low and sad, voice gentle and loving, and Yuuri hears all the things that he says, but he doesn’t believe, how is he supposed to believe him.

“I’m so so sorry, Yuuri. I’m sorry for not noticing, for not doing something about it sooner. I love you so so much. I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you, please please please just know that I love you. We can do something, we can seek some help from a therapist, we can talk about it more… I-I-I would give up everything for you, Yuuri, please just let me know what we can do. You don’t have to tell me now, of _course_ you don’t have to tell me right now, but just please please please, Yuuri, please please _please_ just know I love you so much, and I’m so so sorry I didn’t do something about it, that I didn’t say anything, that I tried to ignore what was right in front of me. I was so scared I was so scared, Yuuri. So scared you wanted to leave me, and I didn’t know how to bring that up, I love you so much, so so much, please please please, I love you I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m s-so sorry,” Victor says and says and says, and Yuuri hears him, but he can’t stop crying, he can’t feel himself breathing, oh god does he still exist is he dying what’s happening he loves Victor so so much, but he’s not good enough he’s not good enough he’s not good enough _he’s not good enough_.

And no matter how much Yuuri wishes it, the world simply keeps turning, and he cries and cries and cries and cries.

 

 

They talk about it for days, Makkachin is still alive and recovering, and Yuuri and Victor never stop existing as one together. The day after _that day_ Yuuri doesn’t speak at all, and Victor doesn’t try to get him to. He simply held his hand, he simply cooked the both of them food, he simply massaged Yuuri’s shoulders and held him when he started to cry again.

(It was nice, but heartbreaking. Yuuri has made their relationship heartbreaking, and that in itself is the most heartbreaking thing of all.)

The day after the second day, he speaks again, and he doesn’t stop speaking. He tells Victor why he kept pushing back the wedding, he tells him again how he believes that Victor deserves so much better, he tells him everything he’s already said, but this time his voice only just barely trembles, and Victor’s grip on his hand is tight tight tight.

The fourth day is the day they receive word that Makkachin will be absolutely okay, and they’re so happy, but so sad, and they hold each other, but they’re both so afraid of letting go.

It’s also the day that Yuuri tells Victor, whispers as if it were a secret, that what Victor said about seeing somebody, a therapist or a couple’s counselor, has been ringing around in his head for the past three days. He tells him he wants to do it, and Victor smiles, so relieved and loving, and Yuuri cries again because he’s been such a damn fool. Such a damn fool, and he pushed away one of the only support networks that he has, and he pushed away the only man he’s ever really truly loved, and for what? He kisses Victor that day, and what could have been bittersweet proves to just be sweet.

The fifth day they look up counselors online, and they find someone, a nice-looking woman, and after a few calls, their first appointment is in a week, and that night, Yuuri falls asleep before Victor for the first time in months.

The sixth day, Makkachin is back with them, and he’s still a little worn down, but he’s there, and as Yuuri buries his face in his fur, he thinks about the first time he met Victor, the first time he fell in love with Victor, the first time he kissed Victor, and he thinks that maybe one day, so far in the future, or perhaps even soon, he’ll finally feel good enough. And when Yuuri goes outside, and sees Victor holding Makkachin’s collar, he kisses his cheek, takes it from it, and quickly finds their beloved dog to put it back where it belongs.

(It’s nice. And Yuuri still cries, but it’s nice. It’s okay. Victor supports him, his family supports him, and he knows that even Makkachin supports him. He’s going to be okay.

Even if he isn’t right now.)

 

 

“Soooo, when’s the wedding?” Mila asks. Victor stills, and even Yuri is looking at the pair of them curiously.

It’s been months since Yuuri finally revealed to Victor’s his true feelings. It’s been months of going out on dates, going to therapy sessions, going on walks with Makkachin, and it’s been months and months of practicing their skating, of choreographing new performances, of finding each other once again.

“It’ll be in May,” Yuuri suddenly says, and if it were all those months ago, he’d be shaking, he’d be surprised he answered at all, he’d be asking himself why he’s lying, but he’s not doing any of those things. Yuuri glances at Victor, at the wonderful man that came into his life, and he’s absolutely _beaming_. Yuri notices as well, and grimaces.

“Gross gross _gross_. I can’t wait for you to go on your honeymoon. Knowing you, you’ll probably take a year off to travel the world, and I’ll be here, supporting that because I won’t have to see your faces that entire time.” He seems smug about it.

Victor smirks. “What about social media? You think I _wouldn’t_ exploit my lovely Yuuri all over the internet? You’re so very _wrong_. You’d see us _everywhere_ , Yuri!” he laughs, clapping his hands together, and Yuri looks like he’s in _hell_. He groans and skates off, flipping them off as he does. Mila is laughing, and Yuuri smiles widely, reaching forward and taking Victor’s hand in his.

“I love you,” he says, tightening his grip. Victor grins at him, and pulls him closer, their chests touching.

“I love you,” he responds, and he’s kissing him, and Yuri is screaming profanities at them, and Yakov is shouting orders at them, and Mila is laughing delightedly, and it doesn’t matter because maybe Yuuri isn’t okay yet, but he’s getting there. He’s getting there, and Victor’s here with him, every damn step of the way.

(And when May comes along, he tells him just that, his vows probably being way too long, but Victor loves it anyway, loves his Yuuri, and plus his vows are _just_ as long, if not _longer_ , and their suits are brilliant, they are brilliant, and they’re smiling, wide and happy, and Yuuri no longer wishes the world would stop turning because he’s too busy hugging and kissing and laughing with his husband, with his dog, with his friends, and most importantly, with himself.)      

                                        

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to call out Bee again for being such a queen.  
> if you haven't already, go follow her [tumblr](http://megsbee.tumblr.com/)  
> (GIVE HER THAT LOVE~~)
> 
> and if you want to come rant to me about this crappy fic, here's my [tumblr](http://literallynothingbutvictuuri.tumblr.com/)  
> Anyway, I love you so much (even more than I love comments, which is quite a lot since I really do love comments) and thank you for reading!!!
> 
> all the love xxxx


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